Understanding Identity
(By John Atkinson)
It is a real privilege to be in the US for the 4th of July. I didn’t know quite what to expect. My quiet, English, understated sense of who we are has taken a hit with the Brexit vote. I didn’t see the day we voted ‘Out’ as our ‘Independence Day’, far from it. Independence and isolation are very different things.
I’ve always seen the 4th of July from afar. I’ve been wary of what from the outside seemed a little jingoistic. I brought a box of the finest Yorkshire Tea for my kind and generous hosts, a little tongue in cheek reminder of the Boston Tea Party in this Massachusetts family. It was of course thrown in the sink with much laughter and fun all round. And in that gesture, the action of separation and inclusion, the spirit of 4th July was caught.
It captured a sense of pride in who these Americans are, and, as often in a settler community, an openness, hospitality and friendship to the stranger. When we are confident as to ourselves, relaxed in our own skin, we can open up to others with willingness and friendship. We allow ourselves to be seen for all that we are, all that we’re not, and all that we hope for.
In England I don’t sense that feeling right now. We are taking a long hard look at ourselves and are uncomfortable with what we see. We label each other as xenophobes or bleating liberals, casting around for what our place in the world will become, unsure as to our future.
The challenge in others’ identity is it provokes questions as to our own. Sometimes our unease with others’ exuberance is because it questions the stories we tell about ourselves. Somehow, in the Brexit conversations we failed to untangle that this was not solely a conversation about economic facts, it was a question of our sense of identity. That we couldn’t resolve how we could be ourselves, whoever we are, and be in good relationship with others. That our identities are always multiple, it is never a binary choice, ‘In’ or ‘Out’, take it or leave it. Relationships must always be stronger than the boundaries.
To have a true sense of identity is to realise that it is always incomplete, not because we don’t understand it but because we do. We know who we are in the environment we are in and we know how we adapt as that environment changes. Identity is not defined from within. It is defined by how we are relationship with those around us. It is connection that makes us what we are.
So when the Star-Spangled Banner was lowered at sunset, I stood tall, straight and respectful. When we give others respect for who they are we also help define our sense of who we are. Different but in an honoured relationship. Sure the 4th of July is about separation, but it was how my hosts reached out to me and included me that defined them.